Holly jolly...bollocks.

This Christmas should be interesting for a number of reasons.

If you don't know, my husband - bless him - usually buys me what I want for any given holiday but his style in gift giving is a little lacking. For instance, there was last year when my gifts were either wrapped in gaffer tape or kitchen towelling, or the year before when they weren't wrapped at all.

Three years back, I arrived in the UK from America (where I'd spent a ghastly 6 months back at home working and preparing to come back) just after Christmas with my shiny new student visa and a promising outlook for the future, back to the fiancee I hadn't seen in 3 months or more. I was over the moon! We didn't have much money that year so I had given him something practical for Christmas - nice pajamas from America - and he gave me an unwrapped pink glittery three headed dildo from Ann Summers. With extra batteries. His brother, who had just picked me up at the airport a couple hours before, had apparently given his approval for that gift saying he'd just bought my sister-in-law the same one. Merry Christmas! This gift has the whole family's blessing upon it!

Then there was my engagement ring. We were engaged for a year before I got a ring, which was fine because we were skint (again!). Rob paid it off in chunks to the jewellers in London, who were less than impressed with our pay-as-you-go system. Finally, finally! the day arrived when he was going to pay the last £50 installment and the ring would finally be mine! I waited all day, so excited to get my hands on that ring and really feel like Rob's bride to be! At last! He came home late at night, stumbled in through the door and made me wait 20 minutes until he finally remembered to give it to me. He tossed it (TOSSED IT!) to me in the box and said, 'Oh yeah, there you go'. ('There you go'?? 'THERE YOU GO'?! I paid $300 for a visa and $24,000 for a 6 month student loan to come live with you for 'THERE YOU GO'!?)

So, like I say, he does try but he's just not cut out for that 'romantic stuff' (you know, normalcy). And then yesterday:

Rob: Don't worry about getting me a Christmas present - I bought myself some Aikido mats.
Danielle: You what? What if I want to buy you something for Christmas?! And hey! I thought you said I was going to have my Christmas/birthday present late because you didn't have any money...so where did you get money for Aikido mats that you're never going to use?
R: They were only £80!
D: !
R: It works out doubly well for you doesn't it? You still get your present and you don't have to buy me one!
D: I WANT TO BUY YOU A CHRISTMAS PRESENT YOU JERK! *sob!*
R: Oh...oh god...well! But! They're REALLY NICE MATS!

Or tonight:

We were sat on the sofa watching 'Britain's Worst Husband'. Rob sat beside me, smug that he was going to come out smelling of roses after I saw this program.

One poor woman told the story about how one Christmas her husband gave her a big, beautifully wrapped box, which was very heavy. She opened it up, excited, and it was full of house bricks. She thought, 'Oh, it must be a joke, there'll be a diamond at the bottom of this box!' No. It was wet weather gear from Millets.

Danielle: ....!!....That's terrible!
Rob: ...What's wrong with that?





There is no hope!